Sunday, October 30, 2005

THE LOST YEARS

I am not sure that I can classify the last few years of my life as lost years.
I have accomplished several things in my professional career. At the same time, I have also made some supid decisions that have cost me plenty. However it is just money. I am healthy, have a loving daughter, have a loving woman in my life. What else could I want?...
I think I want those years back.

So I can tell her how much I loved her, so I can hold her as close to my heart as possible. Just to tell her so many thing that were left unsaid.
Our life changed a lot after our daughter was born. It seems like a given that some of the romanticism is gone or just "put aside" momentarily to give and pay attention to the new member of the family. I can understand that and I was willing to go along, however long it took, just to get back into our romantic, loving sexual life. But then she got diagnosed. So she became the priority for everyone. As well as mine, but while she was sick, we never wanted to entertain the idea that she would die. So we never spoke of the what if. By the time I faced reality it was too late. Could she hear me?
I don't know.
Could she understand my words and tears through her drug induced sleep?
Maybe.
I think that is what buggs me so much after all these years. That we did not face the reality of our future with her sickness. I think she was more aware of it that I was. Maybe it was me who didn't want to face the reality of what was happening to her, to us.
There was a day while she was at the hospital, after the bone marrow transplant. She told me how much she wanted to be with me and that my time spent with our daughter while she was ill (at the hospital), was taking away from that. I felt really bad for her and I think that is when I understood what was coming and still we did not talk about it.
I want those years back.

2 comments:

Tere said...

Me conmoviste.

Lamento todo por lo que pasaste, pero tambiƩn pienso que hay mucho por venir para ti.

¡Besos!

Chloe said...

don't worry about the things of the past Cisco, they are in the past. I'm sure she knew how much she meant to you, you can't really hide those things. You don't always need to spell it. Sometimes it is felt in your bones, even when you are asleep.
xx