Friday, July 24, 2009


Disturbing dreams are my thing.
They are filled with violence and disturbing images that when I wake up, I am sweating and full of relief that it was only a dream. They are so vivid and the more that I remember about them, it's because they were so intense.
Last night, aside from the frequent battle with "bad guys" who wanted to get me into a scam around housing, etc; There was a scene (that is what I call them) where I found myself thinking that I had to take a pill(s) that would kill me. I had to commit suicide because that is what I had to do. Like an Aztec indian facing sacrificial at sunset, I knew that I had to do it and I was willing to do it.
As I was trying to analyze my dilemma in my dream and wondering why I "had" to do it, I came to the conclusion that since I was on my last hours, I might as well make the best of it. I though of drinking champagne since that is one thing I liked so much (at least one of them). I thought of finishing my day with those that I love. As time approached I began to question why I had to commit suicide. I then fought the feeling. I refused to go so willingly. I told someone, not sure who,"I do not want to do it, I am happy and I want to enjoy that feeling for the rest of my life" aware that I was not sick or with an explanation for the suicide, I hang on to the idea that I did not want to die and that I had to fight the feeling.
The struggle in my mind is what got me out of sleep and woke me up.
Lesson there?
Maybe (as people like to say) I have to live each day as if it was the last one of my life.
What do you dream?

Somewhere in that sequence, I rescued two kittens out of a tree by jumping from the top of a building (about 6 stories). Not fearful of the jump I grabbed them and brought them down. As we were walking away, one of them began to talk to me.

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