Monday, April 11, 2005

Barbara Holliday

Well, Another week has gone by.
Three Funerals and a Wedding (At least that I am aware of)
Another anniversary of my wife's death is coming up-Why I refer to it as death and not "passing" may have to do with the fact that I am not completely over it yet. It happened 5 years ago on April 13th. She died of cancer-Leukemia (ALL). She would have turned forty this year, same as me. My daughter then was about to turn 2. Its been a rough five years. Lots of support from family members and friends. That has helped a lot. However, I think by now I should have let go of most feelings of despair, unhappiness, sadness. It is not something that happens everyday but frequently enough. I go through life pretending, acting as if I am cool, and or over it, but deep inside and I know people do see the "struggle" inside me.
I used to dream a lot about her the first few years, then not much in the last couple of years. The funny thing is that in the last couple of dreams I have had about her, the "message" is that I should be moving on, letting her go. (Most of the dreams involve her leaving to go to another town or having gone on vacation and she is just too indifferent to me) The last one involved us as "high Schoolers"-She was basically telling me that since we were going to College that we would meet new people, therefore it was best not to be together anymore"

I still think of her a lo, the life we used to have. I know and I'm aware that it is never going to come back. The house looks the same as the last day she walked out of here to go to the hospital for the bone marrow transplant. Pictures are still on the same walls. Lots of her clothes an personal belongings are still where she left them----Is this adding to my misery? I don't know.
I saw a therapist last year. She was more concerned with seeing me cry than anything else, although I could not bring myself to do it. No tears would flow, despite the deep feeling and desire to cry, nothing.

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